2/20/21: Sliccy’s

Aside

 I met Milanne & Dave S at some Irish place called “Legends,” in Willowsprings on Archer, no parking I ended up parking a block away at a “closed,” Hot Dog Restaurant; as you can imagine the Irish place was packed, no food was available there. I would say the real legend would be affordable prices at this joint. So we had a few pricey brews and left for Sliccy’s.

Sliccy’s was quite crowded as well, Chris (the owner) was glad to see us, why wouldn’t he be, we might leave a dollar tip. We each got a COVIID friendly fist bump from Chris welcoming us. I haven’t seen Milanne or Dave S since my Superbowl party. During the evening I danced with Milanne repeatedly, I asked Dave S, “why don’t you dance with Milanne?” to which he replied, “I’m waiting for a Polka, “I’m pure of heart, Have Rhythm in my blood and Beer In My Belly, another-words I’m ready to Polka!” “Besides Polka’s allow me to step on Milanne’s feet.” On Valentines Day Dave S took Millanne to a seafood joint. When he thought he ordered a Large Octopus for dinner from the waitress. What the waitress heard was “We’re from the band, would you please bring us our musical instruments.” So what the waitress brought out was a Scottish Bagpipe, A Octopus and a bagpipe look virtually the same, and octopuses are well known for changing color, even though plaid may be out of the normal wheelhouse of an Octopus. Most tall club members don’t really eat much Octopus, and then there was that stinky Marreties Octopus incident in Elgin years ago (quite humorous). Dave S did say he thought the skin was tough as well as the hideous noises emanating from the Bag Pipe, Octopus’s are normally quiet. Sometimes the Octopus squirts out ink while consuming one of these delectable creatures. I guess it’s what you would call, “an adventure in eating.” Also, nobody ever says, “can I have a bite to see if I like it.” Dave also got Milanne a bunch of flowers for Valentine’s day. “I found them in a sealed trash can behind the funeral pallor in Morris, fortunately, they weren’t frozen so I didn’t have to shove coat hanger wire up the stems and glue the petals on. If those flowers were frozen & dead I would’ve been in Dutch with Milanne.”

Milanne like me has Mini Glaciers evolving in her back yard as well as avalanches crashing down from her roof. When walking out the door the door then rubs against huge icicles which can hit you in the head, if one manages to fall down your back between your shirt and coat it’ll make a “believer out of you.” I did manage to tell a joke, when that happens Milanne holds her ears, I guess she’s becoming critical of some of my jokes. Then Dave repeats them to Milanne after she’s done holding her ears, after which Milanne inevitability says, “that’s the stupidous joke I ever heard.”

I told them they “missed a terrific opportunity to pick some cheap books at the Lockport Library Book Sale. I told her I bought some to make my bed, and couch higher. Milanne said, “you should try reading one of them.” To which I replied, “but that would make my couch wobbly.” Sometimes I actually get a little wobbly myself if I have been imbibing. Maybe the wobbly sofa and me being wobbly would cancel each other out, maybe I should read one of them.

Ace Reporter

2/24/2021: Golden Bowl Restaurant

Aside

4 people showed up; Dave & Linda K, Yours truly, and Tall Club Wannabe Linda C (my sister). The food was astounding, also I was wrong about them NOT selling booze they do sell booze. Their portions are getting even bigger, I have enough food now to last me 4-5 days! We talked about “Tom Jones,” who had a couple of hit’s I remember, “It’s Not Unusual,” “What’s New Pussycat?” and “She’s A Lady,” he’s still alive! His 80th Birthday is this week (2/21-2/28) sometime. Only women went to Tom Jones concerts years ago, then after paying $15 for a ticket to hear him sing they would all scream as loud as possible during the concert, so they couldn’t hear him sing! Tom Jones threw water-soaked scarfs to the screaming hoard’s (the women fans thought it was sweat). And the women threw their Bra’s back, at Tom Jones! This was during the Beatles era when screaming at entertainers was in vogue. Eventually, Tom Jones had the world’s largest bra collection. Now Tom Jones “throws those old bra’s back to his fans!” When asked why; Tom Jones, replied, “Well I’m finished wearing them!”

We talking about Chicago’s latest violence craze, underage thugs carjacking, the latest terror, what a system we have. Eventually, the punks get caught then the Cook County States Attorney, Kim Fox lets them out of incarceration and releases them into the custody of their parents. How stupid is that? Prior to getting caught, they were already in the custody of their parents! Maybe their parents will show them where the local chop shop is to make their newly found careers more efficient. It’s nice that it warmed up somewhat, some of the icebergs & glaciers are starting to melt, huge icicles falling down from my gutters. In Florida, citizens get bopped in the head by frozen lizards, while here it’s giant icicles. The residual salt is everywhere, what a mess. Road crews must get paid by the tons of salt they spread out everywhere.

We talked about our COVID shots, the only person who didn’t have all their COVID shots was Linda K, she was lucky we even associated with her. When I was in the Army I got lots of shots, in basic Training (at Fort Lenard Wood Missouri) our entire company entered the “shot room.” Where we lined up and were given around 14 shots all at once, the room smelled strongly of medicine, we got multiple shots in both arms all at once. The guy standing in front of me “passed out,” so I helped carry him to a bench unconscious, where he got all his shots while unconscious, about 7 minutes later the guy behind me also passed out so the exercise was repeated. I’m surprised I didn’t pass out. All this pales in comparison to the Glob-A-Gluben shot in the buttocks. If you’ve ever seen the 3 Stooges Moe chasing Curly around with a huge shot the size and shape of a Caulking gun you would an idea of what I was in for. It “burned,” when I got it and felt like someone slugged me in the buttock! I couldn’t sit down for 3 days.

Ace Reporter;

Friday February 12: American Legion Dinner, Lockport

Aside

I was the only person that attended this fantastic event. I ordered the wonderful 3 piece COD fish dinner which included a baked potato, coleslaw, and a slice of bread with all the “fix-ins,” and genuine COVID free plastic utensils. I asked them to hold the Cod Liver Oil with my dinner, that stuff makes me grimace. I also had a couple of Old Style brews.. The dinner and beer were delicious. The huge hall I was sitting in 100′ x 50′ had 8 people in it, so safe distancing wasn’t a problem. So when I burped I didn’t have to say “excuse me,” to anyone, which I usually don’t say that anyway, I usually say, “that’s the nicest thing I’ve said all day.” It was around +3 degrees F outside so dancing out in the parking lot was out, as well as making a snowman, with the snow that wouldn’t pack. I had some good jokes ready to go in case someone from the Tall Club showed up without an RSVP. Everyone seems a bit paranoid about COVID, it’s amazing how cold it is and how much snow we have lying around, we have well over 2′ lying on the ground around Lockport. I looking forward to the terrific upcoming Book Worm book sale coming up.

It’s so cold that the Polar Bears are migrating South. When you watch the news, about COVID it can “spook you,” the more COVID data that comes in the more baffled the newscaster’s and doctors become. Even if you are tested there still might be some COVID germs lurking around your body, that weren’t detected. I’m going on the theory that alcohol, kills germs so I should be good to go. We’re scheduled for 3” of snow tomorrow, I feel sorry for people that have to get to work through all of this. After my Superbowl party last Monday (2/8) I was overcome by a terrific overwhelming stench which the strongest smell coming from one of my bathrooms. I called my landlord and eventually, a plumber came over, he had a fiber optic cable device that he’s shoved down the drainpipe (pretty gross) looking for the cause, nothing there, so whatever it was it couldn’t be determined. Needless to say, I didn’t use that bathroom. The plumber told me to call him if something ever starts backing up. Today (6 days later) the stench has become somewhat tolerable.

Ace Reporter

Sunday February 7th Super Bowl Party 🥳

Aside

6 People came to this highly touted party; Milanne & Dave S; Jean & Patrick C; Johnny A and yours truly the “Ace Reporter.” The -60 F degree weather, fortunately, didn’t detour anyone. Johnny A was the last to arrive he looked like an Antarctica type explorer, he said his heater doesn’t work so well, he drove his Mini-Van and surprisingly it made it by defying the laws of physics! Fortunately, very few people brought stuff to eat or drink, I was running out of room to stack stuff. I got an E-Mail from Pat Sullivan saying it’s +60F in Littlerock Arkansas, while it’s -60 F wind chill here in Merry Old Chicago.

Patrick (Pat) C has really lost a bunch of weight, he said, “it’s so when we sell our existing house and move into a smaller house, it’ll seem like it’s still the big house.” I also lost some weight but nothing like Pat; who said “typically I eat a lettuce leaf with half a teaspoon of vinegar for Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner! Ahead of lettuce lasts at least 4 weeks, last Christmas I splurged and also had an olive (stuff with pimento) for my Christmas feast. One of Pat’s concerns now is if he sneezes his pants might fall down, I must admit he looks great! I have also lost weight but I’ve been known to eat a Hot-Dog on occasion. Lot’s of exuberant yelling while Tampa trounced Kansas City 31 -9. The half time show featured some guy named Weekend, who sounded as bad as his name and I was looking forward to a halftime wardrobe malfunction (like all the other guys), which wasn’t in the cards;- with Weekend, who would care if it did? So rather than listen to him, by popular demand, I switched over the TV to listen to some bop, as I did at my parties of yesteryear in Elmwood Park; Since there were 4 guys and 2 gals we voted to watch Blurred Lines (Robin Thick) for some reason; then- Pop Music (M) and; Man, I feel like a Woman (Shania Twain) to accommodate the Babes. Then we continued watching Kansas City being destroyed.

It was great seeing everyone; I told a couple of jokes, there was one nobody “got,” which means it was an “El-Stinko Joke.” Johnny was attempting to create interest in our “Virtual Monthly Meetings,” which is always a stretch. Dave S said, “with the arctic weather the Racoons, Possums, Squirrels (no Skunks yet) another-words outdoor wildlife have been coming into his office area in Morris, seeking warmth and leftovers. He stated that’ll he’ll have to set the traps up again in his office. Dave said that he was only watching the Superbowl as a courtesy, I told him I remember little girls wearing little pink dresses doing the courtesy, many years ago.  Later we imbibed with two toasts commemorating Laura’s S’s passing; One was from a bottle she brought me from Mexico called,” “Don, Tadeo; Licor De Granada,” I have no idea what that means, maybe its a curse. To me tastes and looks like some type of purple fruit, it came in a very fancy and odd-looking bottle; as a treat we let Pat sniff the cork, which he enjoyed. Then we had a shot of Laura’s favorite liquor, Jack Daniels Fire, which is cinnamon flavored and lives up to its name. We were going to let Pat have a sniff of the bottle cap on that one as well, but Jean said, “better not, it’ll fog up his glasses and he’ll miss watching the Superbowl. Johnny commented on my “low rider toilets,” something about “Squatters Rights.” Sea Weed was available at this event, however, nobody took advantage of this delicious treat, as tempting as a seaweed-cracker sandwich might sound no one was interested.

My landlord and his infinite wisdom when he built this place without any insulation and he didn’t bury the drain line deep enough or on the correct angle so it freezes when it’s below +15 F for any length of time resulting in my kitchen flooding every time I wash clothes. Frogs would love it, however, being -60F outside the humidity in my apartment is around 0.0005% so it evaporates quickly within 2 possibly 3 days and it washes off the bottom of my shoes as well.

Ace Reporter, Tommy