Lockport Canal Days – 6/13/21


Four people attended this fascinating activity; Jim N, Milanne, Dave S, and yours truly. We couldn’t get in to see Heritage Village because unknown to me it closed at 4 PM. The attendant did open the “Hoosegow,” for us, I think he wanted to lock us up in there permanently!

We didn’t get a chance to visit the Privy, but Milanne wasn’t that excited about seeing it anyway. We offered Milanne $2 Dollars to swim across the Indiana-Michigan Canal, she said she wouldn’t swim across that even if we offered her $7. We also saw a petting zoo, if you wanted to see a Rhinoceros you were out of luck.

Naturally, we ended up at the beer tent, guess what? No chairs, I’ve been to 4 of these Canal Days Carnivals and until 2021 they had unlimited seating! Also, beer was not cheap at $5 a can! Milanne managed to locate a local brew that she enjoyed.  So we had to stand, however, the huge beer tent was basically empty anyway because of the volume, you could be half a mile away and hear the band (and I’m a noisy guy)! If you stayed in the tent you’d be deaf within 15 minutes! None of the bands played any Polka music, the first band played “Acid Rock,” at ear-splitting volume, talk about a headache;- I could’ve taken a pass on that one. Eventually, we played Bingo because they had chairs. We left there around 7 PM and couldn’t believe the number of people that were coming to Canal Days as we were leaving.

We sat on my patio because it cooled off somewhat, and saw the first 2021 fireflies. We were shooting the breeze when a wild deer walked through my backyard, at this point, I wished I had a rifle and a $250 Illinois Deer Hunting License (with a waiver to shoot stuff within Lockport city limits and not during Deer hunting season), After everyone left, I found out why all those people we coming to the gala Canal Days celebration, a spectacular fireworks display from 10 PM to 10:30 PM. Dave S kept commenting on how good I smelled, I told him I slipped on one of those bars of soap they put in the urinals, “but, it doesn’t smell like that!” I told him I put on some deodorant for a change of pace. That’s why previously when I went to Six Flags on a Roller Coaster ride, I didn’t put my arms up over my head like everybody else, because I use deodorant.
Ace Reporter

Laura’s Remembrance – 6/12/21


 I’m somewhat familiar with the area, I looked it up on Google Maps; Apparently, someone in South Elgin changed some of the street names! I had to use my GPS so I got there at the 11 AM buzzer. I couldn’t believe all the people there! The two commemorative trees were a River Birch and a Beech Tree, they were both over 20ft tall located between the Fox River Bike Trail on one side and the Fox River on the other side. They had a representative from the park district to answer all tree questions, like why do trees have leaves? Can I carve my initials on the tree? Can I build a tree fort in the tree? Can I hang my hammock on the trees? Does the park district hang Christmas Lights on the trees during the holidays? The plaques were not ready maybe they didn’t know how to spell Laura.

We shortly adjourned to Laura’s brother’s (Larry) estate, which was about a mile away; there was plenty to eat, beer to drink, and tales to tell. I would estimate the crowd to be around 100 people! 20 from Paramount; many of which I haven’t seen since COVID started. So I got to fill them in on the latest jokes. This “event,” was so much more enjoyable than a conventional depressing funeral, it was “A Celebration Of Life: dress causal and it was hot. Some of the members I talked to included;- Diane & Rob; Nan & Gary; Johnny A; Jim N, Milanne & Dave S; Lori; Nancy C; Pat & Jean; Linda P and Dave; Dan B; Barbara S, and a bunch of members who will feel slighted by me. They posted photos of Laura’s life. Unfortunately, we’re all getting older; there’s only one thing worse than getting old and that’s not getting old. We no longer throw ice down each other backs (we’ve grown so sophisticated) however Johnny was pretty good at splashing me with ice water., which did cool me off somewhat. It’s always entertaining to shake up a few beers real good and see what happens when an unsuspected victim opens one of them, a great beer gag that never gets old.

Eventually, it started raining, which wasn’t a problem because we were all seated underneath a huge covered roof picnic area. We also posted notes to Laura on a Miniature Viking ship that was ceremoniously burned in a nearby pond in true Nordic fashion. Unfortunately, the Viking ship floundered and flipped over before completely burning up, but the thought was nice. Anything to do with fire excites us guys. Plus it reminded me of Johnny’s boat because it was hull side up. Johnny told me he stopped his yacht from flipping over by keeping 20 cases of beer in the hold.

Milanne passed on a chance to pick up Laura’s cat “Calley, to add to her cat collection. Calley had the ability to totally eviscerate a screen door or window within one hour ending up with something that looked like steel wool. Couches and chairs took longer to be eviscerated. I’d be petting Calley, who wanted to be petted, then in a flash, she would attack my arm, both biting and scratching, in less than a second my arm would end up being a bloody mess. Calley would bring in dead birds, dead chipmunks, and injured mice, which she would release in Laura’s apartment periodically. I kept my opinion of Calley to myself.
Ace Reporter;                                            

06/02/2021- Bike Ride


Being a Monk is a pretty good gig, just think about it, your get to wear a weird hairdo, walk around in a bathrobe and sandals; you get to make fudge, wine, and sometimes even brandy and you’re looked on as a religious icon, the women part is someone tenuous, unless you covert into inflatable girlfriends, Monks do have loopholes when it comes to women. Who else walks around wearing a bathrobe & Fip Flops? Monks, Astrophysicists, and Nuclear Scientists, however, their hairstyles are somewhat different but still fall in the 3 Stooges range. Maybe I unknowingly tried to emulate a monk when I was operating my Boozeatorium as far as the booze goes. Free housing another monk perk, they even make Religious recordings of these guys singing in the shower, when I do that I typically get yelled at. I donated blood on 5/24 they keep taking it (I’m always surprised went blood comes out of my arm), as a reward I get to eat cookies afterward, plus someone I don’t even know gets a free drunk after getting a transfusion!

During my misspent youth, my buddies and I would head out to what was called, “7 Hills,” in Riverside IL. Initially, it took me a while to find it, 7 consecutive hills, like a roller coaster, if I pedaled my bike fast enough I could get my bike to become “airborne,” for a second, at the crest of some of those hills, actually, it was relatively safe, compared to my other youthful activities; my parents had no Earthly idea where I went after school & on weekends. Then there was “Dare-devil Hill,” located less than ¼ mile from 7 Hills; which was absolutely terrifying a 60-foot drop, most of it with a 60-degree decline, brakes were useless, put the brakes on your going to flip. There were two large trees about 3.5 feet apart I had to go in-between them, you couldn’t go around them. I’d be going over 20 MPH when I passed them! I never knew anyone personally who hit one, but I saw plenty of other kids I didn’t know, who hit one of those trees, the Police Station was just down the street, so you just tell the cops you need another ambulance at Dare Devil Hill. Eventually Riverside installed a chain-link fence around those trees, marking the end of “Dare-devil Hill.

The daisies were blooming today, so I hopped off my bike to give them a sniff with my “Snoozola.” I sniffed & sniffed, no odor! Do I have COVID? No, I don’t think so, I can still smell the Honeysuckles and those bars of soap they stick in the Urinals at the Gin Mills I frequent. It’s like my Dad said, When you go sniffing flowers always get a good hold of your pants, you don’t want to get embarrassed, good advice.
Ace Reporter,     Tommy